Picked up my first hitchhiker last night.

I'm not gay. 

Slept until one this afternoon; that felt good.

SWPPA convention was great, learned a lot.

Went to seven for the first time.

Chase/Cambryn wedding was beautastic, and far exceeded my expectations.

God has his finger on my heart.

Etc,




This was just to prove that I'm alive.

    sometimes i wish i could just let go; just stop holding back, stop all the hardness that i hold on to, as a part of growing up.
and, really, i think that's what growing up is - a loss of the purity of emotion.  we can't be swayed here and there on a random whim and emotion, we develop stability and a steadiness that we maintain despite our feelings.  it's a wonderful thing.  we wouldn't get much done or have very good relationships with out it.  i mean, we don't throw ourselves down on the supermarket floor because we can't have something.

    but sometimes i wish i could just let go.  i wish that when a song made me want to cry, i would just go ahead and let it, instead of making myself all hard, thinking of something else to keep from it.  why not just surrender and ride the waves of an emotive life every now and then?  why not stop being afraid to be really happy about something that's going right, instead of holding onto the "wait and see" mentality?  why would i try to dumb down and squelch those few moments of extreme happiness?  why, when i hurt so bad inside that i want to cut into myself, to see myself bleed, do i not express it?  why bury and deny those fantastic feelings of love and attraction when they bubble up in the presence of a beautiful girl?  why not run around like a maniac, screaming at the top of my lungs, when i feel wild and alive?

    but i hold back.
    it's shameful, really.  i call myself an artist, but the very essence of art is emotion.  if it isn't somehow deeply emotional, it's only a painting, only a photo, only a song, only a dance.  it's completely empty.  without soul and passion, "art" is a sham and a lie.  it's like the most beautifully wrapped box under the christmas tree; no matter how fantastic, unique, tragic, or eye-catching the wrapper is, if it's empty, it's going to disappoint.

    sometimes i wish i could just let go.  that i could stop growing up, stop "being in control," and just feel.  allow myself to feel, and to express what it is that i feel in a pure, simplistic way.  to just stop holding back, stop all the hardness that i hold on to, as a part of growing up.

photo-less update because all my good stuff is on my computer at work.

but yeah, the marathon went awesome. 
 and i'm working on a look-book.
and i now actually prefer photoshop to the gimp in 98% of everything i do.
and i'm writing a letter to my grandparents tonight.

actually, i wish i were nicer.
i don't know where i got into this mean/insult/sarcastic streak, but it really needs to go. 
i want to be gentle and kind.

i remember this guy, during my twenty second mile; i was in horrible pain from an abdominal cramp so i had stopped running and was walking.  some guy on the sideline saw me and my blue race bib and was like "aw man, a first timer, how cute." and started laughing.
i felt like such a loser.
and then this other guy, a quarter mile later, looked me in the eye and said, "come on michael, you've got it in you, you've got it, you can do it."  it was so sincere, and so encouraging.  even though i heard many a "go runners!" and "you can do it!" that day, that was exactly what i needed to get back on track and start running again.
i want to be like that.


a while ago i had this dream that makes me feel all jello-y still.
i was with a friend and we met this guy.  i got bad vibes and left, but later realized i left my friend with him.  i called her and she answered in a whisper saying that he had her and planned on raping her soon.
all i could do was frantically try and try and try find them so i could smash his face in and protect her.  i felt so bad.  it still kind of hurts to think about it, even though it was just a dream.






swimming sounds really good to me right now.

i don't know how to express it; i don't even know what it is.
but it has a hold on me.  it drives everything i do.



i have to keep on surrendering, living it out. 
i don't know, i just get so distracted, so caught up in the future, and what i need to do.  in the feelings of it all.  all of the dreams.  but it feels like a bubble, or more like a gyroscope, spinning a million miles an hour, but never actually going anywhere.  it feels like i should be doing more.
but i go to work, them come home and sleep. 
and you know, when i have a career, it'll be exactly the same thing - minus something to look forward to.


i just want to grow and be honest.  i really want to be honest, genuine, like a peaceful living room that has nice comfortable cushions and afghans and a fireplace made of stones.  i want to be all manly and strong and someone that people look up to, and i want it to be because i'm humble, and no one can find anything true to say bad about me.  i want to really know god, and find my peace in him.  i want to help people reach their dreams and show them that it's not really what they want. 
it doesn't make any sense; it's just something that i feel in my lung and in the back of my neck every now and then.  sometimes it looks up at me like a little kid.


i need to go listen to some music....